Anti-Bride

If you know me at all, you know that when something knew comes into my life the first thing I do is read about it. A lot. For instance, before my first season of playing Rugby I read the rule book as well as several books about the sport. My first day of practice I felt prepared and knowledgeable...and actually, teammates expressed surprise that I'd never played before.

So it should come as no surprise that when Michael and I got engaged the first thing I did (after calling our parents, of course) was go on Amazon.com and find as many books about getting married as I could reasonably afford. Not being your typical girl, Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette was not my first choice. Instead, I ended up with the following:

• The DIY Wedding: Celebrate Your Day Your Way
• Eco-Chic Weddings: Simple Tips to Plan an Earth-Friendly, Socially Responsible, Affordable Green Wedding
• Green Wedding: Planning Your Eco-Friendly Celebration
• Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides
• The DIY Bride: 40 Fun Projects for Your Ultimate One-of-a-Kind Wedding
• The Green Bride Guide: How to Create an Earth-Friendly Wedding on Any Budget, and
• Anti-Bride Guide: Tying the Knot Outside of the Box

So far, Anti-Bride seems to coincide perfectly with my attitude about the whole thing. In fact, the introduction fit me so perfectly - so closely matched my philosophy on what our wedding should be - that I'm going to give you the text of it.

"Growing up in suburbia in the 1970s, my sisters and I were enthralled by one particular board game. While Gloria Steinem, Billie Jean King, and Betty Friedan were doing their best to get women out of the kitchen and into the streets, we couldn't wait to plunk down on the three-tone shag carpet and lift the lid of a big pink box embossed with 'The Bride Game' in frilly white script. Unlike Risk or Monopoly, there wasn't much substance to The Bride Game. Competition, and even winning, weren't the point. Instead, it was a romantic consumerist fantasy: build a bridal identity based on stuff. You rolled a pair of dice to become one of four brides - spring, summer, autumn, winter - with accompanying grooms and bridesmaids. Then, the only goal was to accumulate the required pile of gear - cake, ring, bouquet, something borrowed, something blue - as you moved down the hot-pink steps toward the altar.

Of course, it's almost impossible to imagine any toy company blithely selling such a game today. Or is it? From honeymoon cruises to plastic cake toppers, Americans shell out roughly $45 billion a year for weddings. With an average of 2.5 million couples tying the knot in a given year, that's about $15,000 per wedding. Of course, some weddings are as simple as a backyard potluck; others (the kind involving orchids flown in from Thailand and taking place on private islands) can stretch to six figures. Stuffed with advertisements, the average bridal magazine makes even the big, juicy September issue of Vogue look puny by comparison. For most first-time brides, the real problem with planning a wedding is getting deluged with too many 'shoulds.'

We've watched a lot of otherwise smart, sassy brides-to-be drive themselves crazy trying to make everyone happy. The first accessory we recommend for any anti-bride is a pair of earplugs - not real ones, but rather some big, fluffy imaginary earmuffs that float snugly around your head every time your future mother-in-law, your coworker, or your florist starts telling you what you must, should, or ought to do at your wedding. Because you know what? It's all up to you and your partner. Yes, there are tons of traditions, some cultural, some religious, and some just traditional. But regardless of what your mom (or Emily Post) implies, your marriage will not disintegrate if you don't send every guest home with a little box of color-coordinated Jordan almonds inscribed with your names in fancy script. While we were putting together this book, we asked dozens of couples how they got hitched. The last question we asked every bride was, 'What was the coolest part of your wedding?' Not one mentioned the miniature quiches or the great deal she got on her Vera Wang gown. Instead, they told us about 'the enormous numbers of friends who came from far and wide' and 'the toasts given by our friends that went on longer and were much more heartfelt than expected.' One bride shared the moment of 'hearing my husband-to-be say "I do," and looking into his beautiful, dark eyes and seeing the truth: love, eternity, and devotion.' For another bride, after the ceremony, the cake, and the final departure of the last guest, it was all about 'finally being alone with my fella - and going on a Fritos binge!'

After all, if all you cared about was having the most perfect wedding cake in the universe, you'd be reading Martha Stewart Weddings instead, right?

That's not to say you should give up being a princess. At what other time do you get to plan, stage-manage, and then (wearing a really fabulous outfit) star in your very own show? After all, we love pedicures, presents, and Champagne as much as the next girl (if not more). And unless you're Miss America or Madonna, you'll probably never have so many people dedicated to making you beautiful as you will for this one day.

That's where the concept of the anti-bride comes in. When we first started working on this book, some of our friends didn't get it right away. What was with the title? How could we be writing a wedding guide without a bride in it? Did we think everyone should just get hitched at City Hall on their lunch hour, with no veil, no cake, no bouquet? This led to a lot of Merlot-fueled musings on just what being a bride was all about. Could a girl be a hip, independent woman, able to fix her own carburetor and hook up her own hard drive, but still harbor a deep craving for matching china and fancy matchbooks?

Well, of course! An anti-bride is a bride who's getting married her own way. In fact, we'd met a lot of anti-brides before we even began this book. As bridesmaids, sisters, roommates, and friends, we'd spent hours hanging out with a lot of really awesome about-to-be or recently married women who were thrilled to be hooking up with their sweethearts - but more than a little weirded out by the weight of the myriad monogrammed-and-engraved traditions they were suddenly expected to take on. While we all shared the same image of the bride as a blushing young woman floating down the aisle frosted head-to-tow in white satin and lace, the reality couldn't have been more different. You're not living the same kind of life your mother or grandmother had. why should you get married the same way? None of the brides we knew wanted anyone - much less the wedding industry - to dictate what kind of bride she should be. At the same time, we still crave ceremony, ritual, and, yes, a fabulous dress to mark this momentous occasion. The anti-bride is proud to be getting married, but she isn't just anyone's - or any magazine's - bride. She is her own bride, making it up as she goes along, creating her own traditions, and picking and choosing what's right for her and for her partner, without losing her identity along the way. And, like so many of us, she doesn't like being told what to do, especially if it involves wearing ugly white shoes.

The most important thing you can do is relax and enjoy your life now. In the midst of planning this big event, it's easy to lose sight of the reason for all the froufrou: You're in love! After all the flakes, the weirdos, and the hotties who never called back, you've finally discovered Mr. Wonderful. For the rest of your life (we hope), you'll have a lover, a best friend, a sweetheart to kiss every New Year's Eve, and, what's most important, someone to squash that scary spider in the bathroom for you, even in the middle of the night. While you're planning your wedding, don't let your partner get shoved offstage and, more importantly, don't assume you can just stick your relationship in the fridge for six months while you run from cake tastings to bridal salons.

A wedding is not an end in itself. Yes, as rituals go, it is a big deal. But it's also the very beginning of your marriage. There are many steps to take down the road, and lots of issues to be decided that will ultimately be far more important than your wedding tablecloth colors, or even the bandleader knocking back three tequila sunrises and hitting on your mom during the reception.

Our best advice? Do what you want, don't let anyone else stress you out, and have fun!"

I'm still working on how to stick to my guns - as is Michael. We had a list of 28 people to have at the ceremony and reception which, after speaking to both of our families, has grown to 89. We both want a small wedding, but we both want our loved ones there. So, everyone who's invited will have to make do with much cheaper food and music. Hopefully the fact that so many are people are invited will make it fun for everyone, despite us not shelling out for live music or an open bar.

The other subject we're facing some pressure on is the ceremony itself. Michael and I would, for ourselves, be happy with a "ceremony" at City Hall. For a more formal ceremony in front of friends and family we'd hoped to have the mayor of State College (a friend of the family) be the officiant. That idea was nixed by both families for religious reasons, so we're now debating how to make everyone happy while still having a ceremony we don't hate.

I think the most important thing to remember is that even if our mothers get together and plan a tulle-infested celebration replete with a greasy crooner and a stretch limo (which neither of them would do), Michael and I will be blissfully happy at the end of the day, because we'll be MARRIED!!!